I haven’t written for a while because I was waiting for life to become totally awesome again so I’d only have fabulous crap to write about. I give up! I’ll write anyways. Life is looking pretty damned ok from this angle, but I still have a lot to work on.
So I’m back in the US right now after 2 months in The Netherlands. Before that I was in the states as well. I kept referring to my last trip to the states and this trip to the states as bookends to the most challenging period of my life.
I will not lie, the last two months in The Netherlands were fucking stressful. I was (and am) still officially homeless and on a waitlist for housing. Work was especially stressful in the beginning, my ex and I had our fair share of butting heads at the shop. Thankfully I love what I do, and focusing on the actual work itself is always meditative and positive for me. On a personal level, I went into hermit mode and the friendships that I did work on maintaining either became strained and withered and died or flourished due to unconditional support and love. Thank god for love, empathy and mutual respect! I’d be a wet noodle without them.
When I found myself at my weakest, my kids were some of the strongest little shoulders I’d ever had to lean on. My daughters saw me cry (a lot). I apologized to them for that, and my oldest girl told me that I should show my feelings more. That by being open I was showing them that it was ok to be open too. How is it that this is so logical but that it’s so hard to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, even in the face of love? Another day in particular, during dinner I’d confessed that I was having a really rough day and not feeling very positive. I was feeling really low. My youngest told me to look under my pillow before I went to bed. When I did, I had to cry yet again, but the good tears. There was a letter from my wise 11 year old that said:
I love you so much i can’t wait to have a house with you Im already counting down i hope that each and every day you will remember what a great job you did raising Lotte and I. You are so smart we are also thanks to you i am going to my dream school next year thanks to you. This is a reminder to think about what you’ve accomplished and the things that went wrong to leave behind. I cannot wait to see what we will accomplish. Because of you i am alive by the way.
Even during my most challenging moments, this is what I want to see. I choose to see love. I am so grateful every day for these moments, and so proud to have really strong, valuable and enduring relationships with some really wonderful people. I hope you all know who you are, and I hope that I say thank you enough!
I’m in the states until June 6th and I still have a lot of availability because my mind wasn’t really focused on promoting myself. If you or anybody you know wants some ink, hit me up! Otherwise I’ll be soaking up all the love I can get over here and working on good things to come. I’ve got some exciting things lined up for my return trip to The Netherlands, I’ll write more about that later. I’m just happy to say that the storm clouds are clearing up and I’ve got some great things to return to, my kids being the top of that list as always ❤
I’m a traveling tattoo lady who loves to keep her hands and mind busy.